Bits And Pieces

So I got this letter from the hospital, explaining what my situation was with the whole jaw-thing. Which was all new and very exciting since I've never gotten papers like this before. Ok, the whole point being was it was, at the very least, crushing to read a few of the sentences. My favourite was "MRI from 2005 shows clear destruction of bone" and "Patient has been suffering from symptoms almost 10 years". It has really been that long. We are going on 8 to be exact.

Okay, so the pain usually comes and goes, and no matter what people say: you get used to it. The ear-aches are the worst, and that's the kind of sharp pain I haven't gotten used to, at least not yet. It's for the better in some things, and for the worse in others.

For the better because you learn to cope. In order to not have to take so much painkillers I have this thing where I analyze it to bits and pieces. I pick apart one feeling and wrap my mind around it and try to examine is it really pain. Does it hurt? Is it more of a metallic feeling? An ache? A sting? A wave of sharper sensations?

You get the picture.

Doing this usually results in that most of the separated sensations don't hurt but are metallic, pressuring etc. And if the part don't hurt, the whole thing can't either. You see the logic? It helps in pretty much everything except for the headache-that-won't-grow-stronger-but-doesn't-go-away, and the ear-ache. The ear-ache is worst. Picture someone shoving an ice-pick down your ear and pulling it out just as fast. Feel that? That's it.

Fortunately the ear-aches aren't that frequent anymore.

Picking them all apart doesn't mean I'm not worried, but you learn to live with it, and going on 8 years, you recognize what is severe and what isn't. I only get panicked about one feeling nowadays and that isn't pain.

I sometimes wake up to feel my jaw growing tighter. Imagine you have a screw right in front of your ear. The imagine someone taking a screwdriver and starting to tighten that screw. Long-haired people can simulate this by grabbing your ponytail and turning it around and around and around to get the feeling (Yes, I have had a lot of time to think about it). The reason I panic is because this feeling is only caused by 2 things. One being the jaw being close to locking, and the last time that happened I spent 6 months folding hamburgers intro my mouth because it would only open 1,5-2cm. The other time this feeling comes around is when I've had dental surgeons injecting a mix of lidocain and cortisone into the joint. And this rarely happens to me at home, waking up, in my own bed.

So, how is it bad then to analyze the pain and pick apart the pieces? Remember the jogger's knee I was suffering from? It has been bugging me 24/7 for the last month or so. Being so used to doing what I do, I don't know if it aches anymore. I have no idea. I mean, I know the metallic/pressure-feeling I feel there is categorized to be pain, I just don't feel it. I know it wakes me up in the night, so something must feel at least bad, right? And I know the only comfortable position to sit in is resting my ankle on my knee and bending it to the side, but I also know I have to lift the upper foot down by hand when I want to get up because I can't do it on my own. And I realize all these things are because of the metallic/pressure-feeling known to be categorized as pain.

I'm in no ways immune to pain, no. And I don't really think I tolerate pain any more than the next person, it's just that you get used to live with these things. Odd, isn't it?

But it is bad because I'm not sure whether or not I should push the treatment of this stupid jogger's knee more actively than I have. If we can establish that it is pain, it isn't going away and it wakes me up for some reason, should I get someone to do something else about in than I already have?

I don't want to because of the following reasons:

I don't want to be broken all the time. I've had treatment to my stupid shoulder that broke when I was into competetive swimming. stretching, hot/cold-treatment, massage, 4 sets of teeth-pads, moulding, injections and finally 2 operations to the stupid jaw. I turn 25 this year, am actively hoping to get a prosthetic joint and don't want to have to seek treatment for my knee because I went jogging like 5 times last year.

Maybe it isn't that broke. If it was real pain, I could still feel it like it should be felt, hurting, right?

And finally. Experience has shown me that unless shit is broken, it don't get fixed. If it is only mildly broken, I will get treatment for it and it will just eventually stall things along so that it will take a much longer time to break so much that it can really be fixed, not only delayed. If I don't treat it now, by any luck it'll be torn to bits and pieces within a few months so that someone will cure it with an injection or once again cut me open somewhere.

Right now it kinda sucks because what ever it is that wakes me up and follows me around all day, is making me hang at the end of my rope. I don't recall when I would've been so pissed. The sarcasm has reached new levels and I am not far from telling a complaining customer who wants to get stuff free and without prescription just where they can shove it. If pushed enough I will do it for them.

If anyone of you had the energy to read aaaaaaall this, then don't worry: I have next week off.