13 posts tagged “bridezilla”

Or how to sort out the details of a wedding without making a complete ass of yourself.

Seeing as we are both in it his for the very first time, we have been caught redhanded and completely ignorant in many, many ways by many, many people. We've gotten The Look, you know, that one your wife gives you when you get caught pants down in the barn with the maid, many many times. We've caused numerous sighs and a few "aw, hell you didn't"s. So here's a little heads up! to the rest of y'all who may or may not know these things from before. If you still decide to be as big a schmucks as we have been, you'll pleasantly find out that the people in this business have nerves of steel. And a hefty dosage on their Prozac.

There will be papers

There will be forms to fill out, orders to make and things to decide, and "We're both kind of new at this. This is our first time" doesn't apply. Y'all need to apply the states permission to get married as soon as possible. Which would be max 4 months in advance since the Registrar's Office only gets to apply The Legal Form That States We Aren't Already Married To Other People for this long. You wanna do this first because it minimizes the amount of meetings you have with priests. Which is kind on the priests nerves. You don't wanna bend God's peeps out of shape.

Set your dates

Dates for things that you had no idea existed will have to be set. By You. We embarrassed ourselves today by thinking the date when the church announces Weddings A-hoy! in a few weeks is set by the church. But no. It's set by you, and if you didn't know this you're probably a bit of a retard. Since you are also (naturally) expected to attend the announcement because it is, after all, your wedding that is announced as something that will be held by the church in the near future, it's kind of a big no-no not to come. And to explain to a catholic priest that The Marketing Department at The Organization in which The Groom works gives jack shit about relationships, graduations, funerals, and life outside the company is pretty hard. Right about here you might wanna return to the previous point about not pissing of the good shepherds.

Carry a tune

Y'all need to learn some notes. Because the church music is one more thing that is up to you. And "that one song by Mendehlson" isn't enough. Holy Diver is not a wedding march, and neither is the theme from Star Wars. I swear to God, once we get this thing settled we are going to make a few extra loops around the church on our way in and out just to enjoy the handpicked music.

Le rip-off

Everything connected to a wedding costs. A lot. No-one except bridal shops sell white bridal shoes, and no-one except lingerie-shops sell all the bits and pieces you need to gather all of your business inside that dress. And even if the shoes aren't that special, just plain white satin heels, get ready to add a zero to the price you thought they were. Nobody else sells this shit except for specialists, and so they cost like mad. I suspect Vera Wang has the other retailers by the wang.

Get ready to hit second base

Shopping for bridal stuff is like going t the gynecologist. That lady at the dress-shop? She's coming in with you! As a responsible adult capable of deciding whether or not you'd like to spend the rest of your days with this dude, you still can't be trusted to put on a dress by yourself. So she's gonna see you in your undies and touch your boobs. And so is that lady at Le Rip-Off Lingerie. She might be carrying measuring instruments but she's still gonna use them on your rack. And you need her because there's no way in winter olympics-hell you'd figure out by yourself how to dress all these thingamajigs on your body. The easy way with the underwear? Duct tape. But after all that groping I felt like I needed to pay the woman for something.

The closer we get, the more people there are to meet. Who would've thought that getting married required this much paperwork and meetings? What's it all about?

I do! I fucking do! And he does too!

Apart from all the papers I have advanced to shooting rubber bands at Sami in the mornings. I'm quite a good shot. And it's mainly for shits and giggles because I had to surrender my sneakers (along with a gazillion other things, like a snorkel, flippers, a spatula, long johns, shorts and a first-aid kit according to a list that was mailed to me. I ain't carrying that bag, bitches.) to the Party Posse assembled by my maid of honor for further use.

Tomorrow we still have to meet the priest at the church we belong to here and get him to surrender our papers to the priest who will marry us in Turku, 200km away, meet with the person who plays music at the church and go for another fitting at the bridal shop. I got ripped off by a lingerie-shop last week and let me tell you: it takes so many bits and pieces to keep everything neatly tucked away under that wedding dress that one of us is going to have to get a degree in engingeering by the wedding or I'm never getting out of those support systems.

I totally forgot to tell you guys what a complete idiot I was at the bridal shop a few days ago!

So, my dress came, right? And we went to try it on, right? And the other color in this story is the lady at the bridal shop, right?

"So where are your shoes?"

"um... at home... 160km away..."

"Why didn't you bring them with you?"

"I didn't know I was supposed to" (yeah, I know, I know, but somehow I imagined the dress is one size and that's it. Either it's the proper length or then its tough shit for the bride. Apparently not)

"Do you think you'd be able to recognize the shoes you bought?"

"yeah. Those, over there"

"Good. Did you bring your lingerie with you?"

"um... no."

*sigh*

"Okay. What kind of lingerie do you have?"

"um... none. I thought I'd go out and buy them sometime after this dress came."

"Allright. But be sure to buy them and bring them with you to the next fitting."

"There's one more?!"

"Yeah! We have to take it in, right?"

"Oh. I thought this was it."

"And then there's a final fitting after that."

"Are you kidding me?"

That woman had the patience of a saint and I should totally send her flowers. And vodka.

But how am I supposed to know these things? I thought I try the dress on and go buy bras after that, and I honestly thought they were a standard length and stuff. I swear to God, if anyone of my friends ever gets married I'm making them a rulebook about these things. And I only get how embarrassing I am after I blurt things out in the air.

And a while ago Sami called. Since my stitches should be removed the day after they come home, and there's no way I'm traveling to Turku on the day he arrives home, we talked about if Tapsa could do it because he has received the proper medical training. Sami told me we wouldn't have to get the scalpel you normally use for these things because scissors would work equally well. After I painted him a vivid scenario of what would happen if anyone tried to come at me with kitchen utencils and a pitchfork, he sighed "I knew I shouldn't have told you in advance."

...because I probably couldn't tell the difference between pliers and a scalpel anyway.

Do you know how you know that you've picked the right wedding dress?

I was browsing the manufacturer's homepages, and decided to see what was on the u.s.-side. They're cleverly divided into Yurp, and US, you see. On the u.s.-side, I found a gorgeous gown. A real stunner. And I thought to myself that dmn, this one is really good looking, I should've maybe... looked here before I... wait...

This is my dress. On a different model. From a different angle.

I definately picked the right one.

And since we've gotten a bit of the long anticipated rain (byebye now, pollen!) I thought I'd share with you a few of my favourite movies, so you all can go pick your favourite to watch on a rainy day. And if there are any closet psychologists there who want to analyze my somewhat bizarre taste in movies, feel free to comment. In no particular order of preference, I love:

The Birdcage . I loooooove how well they play the masculine/feminine gays. I'm not so hot on Calista Flockhart or the people who play her parents, but everyone else I love. Particularly the ultragay maid. Agador Spartacus.

Some Like It Hot . I do. Continuing on the gay/crossdressing theme, I can't tell you how much I enjoy Geraldine and Daphne. Especially Geraldine, with "her" dramatically feminine pout. And, needless to say, eventhough I haven't seen all her movies, I too enjoy all things Marilyn. A true goddess.

Der Untergang . As you might have noticed, I have a deep fascination with WWII, so this is kind of a given because of that, but that's actually not the reason this movie is one of my favourites. Even if a movie sucks, I enjoy good actors. This movie didn't suck, and Bruno Ganz made an amazing performance as Hitler. If you haven't seen it, please do. It is shocking to notice how well one can relate. Don't take this the wrong way, I don't mean he was right, I mean that Bruno Ganz is a very believable actor, and that it is easy to relate to the emotion of standing alone as the captain of a sinking ship through his portrayal of Adolf Hitler. I am in no way, and have never been, of the opinion that Hitler was in any way right in what he was doing. But do watch the movie.

Hannibal . This truly is one of my very favourite movies ever. I am a huuuuuuuuge fan of the amazing acting of Anthony Hopkins, and I absolutely loved Silence Of The Lambs. This is how I found Hopkins, in the first place. I've read all of Harris' books, and I had even read Hannibal before I saw the movie. First of all, it was very nice to see the movie and read the book, and neither spoiled the other because they had a different ending. Both equally good to me. The reason I enjoyed Hannibal more than Silence Of The Lambs was the change in nuance that Hopkins gave to his Lecter. To me, it was clear that Lecter was more playful, more relaxed than before, but still equally scary and psychotic. The greatness in Hannibal comes from the amazing work Hopkins did in the first movie. I enjoyed The Red Dragon too, very much so, even if I can't stand Edward Norton. I won't go see Hannibal Rising, though, because I feel they're milking it a bit too much. Will probably read the book though.

So there. Hope you see some of them and share your experiences.

"Hello?"
"Hi mom! I got a call from the bridal shop that my dress arrived. So I thought we could go try it on the next time I'm in Turku on the 28th?"

"That sounds great!"

"And I thought that since I'll be working until then, and then there's midsummer and all that, but when I do come, we could maybe make all the invitations to the wedding so we'd get them over with?"
"Yeah, I kinda already made them. I mean, not all of them, but I will have by then. We printed them out with Dad, and they came out really nicely"

Do I need to say anything more? My mom & dad are just about the best partyplanners we could ever imagine. Pure magic.I recommend them to anyone.

YARGH!

Ok. Me, Mom and my maid of honor went shopping for the last things needed to puzzle together a bride. Namely: shoes, a bag (which apparently Annika will be carrying, brides just require a bag for the hell of it, and I'm never one to say no to new purses), hair and a face. Oh, and a veil. Everything came together quite peacefully and we now have all of the above. The hair and make-up comes with a testdrive and let me just say, for that price they better be feeding me glitter and small diamonds.

So I'm thinking, it's all good, this is actually kinda fun. Bags and all.

And we had even picked a place for our honeymoon, the Maldives. Until today when I called the travel agency and they kindly explained to me that no ma'm, the price you see on the website (1600e/person) is some kind of glitch. The actual price would be 2900e/person, would Ma'm like to order?

Ma'm didn't. Ma'm is kind of a beyotch that way.

Personally I don't care that much about the honeymoon either. I love, love love! to go on a honeymoon and I love lying on a beach with a cold drink in one hand and a gorgeous husband beside me. But I could just as easily take a ferryride to Sweden, if you know what I mean. A trip's a trip. Therefore I refuse to pay almost 500e/day for coconuts.

Sami wouldn't. The honeymoon is his big thing, and I get that and I give him that. But I still refuse to splurge 6000e on a trip that wouldn't even be all inclusive. He doesn't see my point and I don't understand his. A honeymoon's a honeymoon, even if it is as little as a trip to Lapland. He dreams of untouched beaches and massages in the sun. And it's fine, and would I win the lottery, then we'd book thatr 10 000e trip to bora bora. But the fact remains we are not, and living up here in Thousandlakez makes pretty much every trip expensive since the sun is far, far away.

So I thought I'd give him time to see what he comes up with. I've tried to come up with options but since this is not such a big deal for me as it is for him, I usually get it wrong. So now it's his turn, and we'll see where we land.

But seriously, Internet, weddings aren't for pansies.

We're both sick, so we have been spending time in front of the tv. Watching "Bridezilla". This last episode simply ruled.

"The bride is Rhyan Elizabeth Johnson. "Hi!" She is 27 years old and is a loan advisor. She also studies design and likes to shop. Blah blah blah..."

And then they presented the groom.

"This is the groom. "Hello, my name is Onur and I am Turkish""

CUT!

That was enough. It was really hilarious since you could see Onur was about to say something else but the production team decided to cut there. Apparently all we need to know about the groom is that he is turkish. And later on in the show the narrator explained he is also a muslim.

What a shock! A turkish muslim! on my tv! getting married! OMG!

Come the fuck on.

But we did get a lot of laughs about the bride too because she was an alcoholic. And just ridiculous in general. I'd imagine it would take a lot of l337 skillz to get hammered at the hairdresser.

And the second bride was obsessed with stars, so we saw her threatening the best man and getting her teeth whitened at Dr. Dorfman from x-treme makeover. It takes a lot of balls to explain "going to a celebrity dentist is something a lot of people never get to experience so I'm trying to make the most of it and cherish this. It's really something special:"

Special like in The Special Olympics.

I <3 american tv

Remember that bridal magazine I bought? I don't know why but I saved it, partly because it is very likely to be one of its kind, and because I thought it might actually help us on the way as we got a bit further. I read it through again on my vacation and had to admit that sadly, I did not feel like I learned a whole lot of anything through it. It was, as you may recall, the "groom-issue" so I saved it and gave it to the groom. He leafed through it and exclaimed that if his skin isn't good like it is then I may go ahead and stick it.

What? you ask. Let me enlighten you.

Apart from the lovely advice (to shut up if you are the groom) and strengthened image that this is, and should be, a day where the groom doesn't get to decide for anything, there were a few more articles that probably help any groom about as much as a swift kick in the testicles.

First, there was this lovely article about stag-nights in an alternative way: do a cooking-class! I can't imagine a groom who wouldn't want to celebrate his last time out as a bachelor cutting carrots and steaming fish. Call me a cynic if you like.

Then, the article because of which I was referenced to do unpleasant things to my own body: Grooming the groom. Is there really any Man, with a capital M, who doesn't secretly dream about a chemical peel? Body sugaring to the chest and back if he, God forbid, should have hair on these disgusting parts of his body where really nothing else but perfect abs and pecs should be visible? And don't forget your sea-weed-wrap to top the whole manly thing off!

The third article was a one-page list of what grooms think are the most important things in a succesful wedding-party. Mind if I quote? No?

-the bride

-getting married to the woman of my dreams

-Having time for each other in the midst of planning

- waiting to get married

-To have a fun wedding where everyone are enjoying themselves

This only confirms what I knew: Guys are absolute dolls most of the time and I'm going to marry one. Usefulness of the article? Let me just say Sami didn't even read it.

The last, fourth (4!) article in this 114-page entirely groom issue? The loveliest flowers to wear on your coat. I don't know if it's called a corsage when it's the thing guys pin through their suit, but I think you know what I mean. And I think I can rest my case.

And yet again, I leave you all to wonder: when did such a nice thing, a lovely celebration, a unity of souls become such a ridiculous princess-meets-metro-of-the-year-party? Why does it have to be so stupid? Or is it just me?

"So, I was asked today if we were going to write our own vows..."

"You're kidding. Do people even do that?"

"I think I've seen it done sometime"

"Outside american wedding-comedies?"

"Ok, I don't know. Maybe not. Anyway I said we haven't even thought about it so probably no"

"Good. Imagine the humiliation. We're already gonna stand there like a couple of peacocks, and then think of standing up and shouting out how "You are the water to my flowery meadow of love!" while aaaall of our family and closest friends are watching."

"Oh Lord... but what if we made it look like us?"

"You could be the chicken poo that provides the nutrients to my spring mud."

"And you are pretty like a newborn pig."

"And I could go on shouting out that you are the only duck in my pond!"

"You think they'd stop us?"

"Probably. If not the priest, I think a few of our relatives would take use of the "does anyone have any objections"-thing. But you are, you know."

"What?"

"My chicken poo."

"Shut up and sleep, woman"

Remember my co-worker who was happy that at least my mother was enthusiastic about shopping for dresses? We had a follow-up conversation:

"So now you have a dress?"
"Yeah"
"What is it like?"
"Um... it's hard to explain"
"Well, is it A-lined?"
"What's A-lined?"
"You know, drapes like the letter A"
"Like empire-style?"
"No, like an A"
"Well if they're not the same then I don't know"
"Well is it empire-style then?"
"No."
"Mermaid?"
"...I don't know. It isn't... I mean it's kinda like... It has this thing where... I don't know."
"Does it have straps?"
"um... kind of... it doesn't have sleeves."
"Are you gonna wear like a bolero-jacket to the church?"
"Isn't that a bit gay?"
"How about a tiara? Those are really pretty!"
"Okay, now that is gay."

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not all against being a princess, but I have actually had my Disney-moment. When I was a kid, I was one of the bunnies in snow white. So today, even if surrounded by the bunnies in snow white, I wouldn't die alone in the woods in a tiara. If anyone else wants to wear one: no skin off my back. But when it comes to my own limited experiences about weddings, I'd like to give all of you brides-to-be a bit of advice seeing as we've made it almost half the way through:

1. Thinking about not telling anyone? You better have a game-plan because women sniff themselves to marriage like vampires to blood.

2. Get ready to dream. Once we've all established that you and some random guy who happens to be at the church are going to spend Your Day As A Princess, people are gonna tell you what you should wear. No matter if you know what kind of dress you want or don't, you get ready to hear a lot of evaluations about what fits you and what doesn't. And when people tell you you would look absolutely ravishing in pink, the answer "Ah yes, but you see I haven't had my lobotomy yet" is not the appropriate one. Just smile and nod and laugh about it the next time you see any people who actually know you.

3. The bridesmaid and best men (we have 2) are not hired help. They are friends who you want to share a special time with in a special way, but they did not sign up for the deal just so you can skimp on the cleaning costs.

4. The decorations. Another topic you must be ready to discuss. Whether or not you intend to spend the next months folding those frequently mentioned silk-paper flowers or not, you are going to have to explain why you are havin/not having decorations. If you choose not to have decorations and tell people so, get ready to avoid taking their old stuff from their own weddings. Apparently those flowers are too precious to throw away. And if you are like me and  have a small set of horns on your forehead and decide to tell people you're contemplating having a helicopter dump a ton of lace on the building, know this: people are going to believe it. And want to discuss what kind of lace. And when you say hand-woven by blind belgian nuns, they are going to want some phone numbers in case they need it themselves.

5. Have a back-up because there's nothing people won't ask. They will ask about the budget, the decorations, the flowers, the food etc. Be sure you have a neutral, preferably scary party to refer them to. Our wedding planner, budget control, food organizer, dress wallet and such is my parents. That has ended all discussion because even if people bug you to near death, they are hesitant to call your parents and ask them the same things.

6. Practice your poker-face. People will come to you with the most... I don't even know what kind of ideas. Wouldn't it be cool if you could have white doves fly the rings to the altar? And did you know you can totally rent rose petals so people can throw them in front of you when you walk down the isle? And did you know there is this GREAT place where they rent golden limousines?

Just suck it in.