15 posts tagged “bridezilla” (page 2)

"So, I was asked today if we were going to write our own vows..."

"You're kidding. Do people even do that?"

"I think I've seen it done sometime"

"Outside american wedding-comedies?"

"Ok, I don't know. Maybe not. Anyway I said we haven't even thought about it so probably no"

"Good. Imagine the humiliation. We're already gonna stand there like a couple of peacocks, and then think of standing up and shouting out how "You are the water to my flowery meadow of love!" while aaaall of our family and closest friends are watching."

"Oh Lord... but what if we made it look like us?"

"You could be the chicken poo that provides the nutrients to my spring mud."

"And you are pretty like a newborn pig."

"And I could go on shouting out that you are the only duck in my pond!"

"You think they'd stop us?"

"Probably. If not the priest, I think a few of our relatives would take use of the "does anyone have any objections"-thing. But you are, you know."

"What?"

"My chicken poo."

"Shut up and sleep, woman"

Remember my co-worker who was happy that at least my mother was enthusiastic about shopping for dresses? We had a follow-up conversation:

"So now you have a dress?"
"Yeah"
"What is it like?"
"Um... it's hard to explain"
"Well, is it A-lined?"
"What's A-lined?"
"You know, drapes like the letter A"
"Like empire-style?"
"No, like an A"
"Well if they're not the same then I don't know"
"Well is it empire-style then?"
"No."
"Mermaid?"
"...I don't know. It isn't... I mean it's kinda like... It has this thing where... I don't know."
"Does it have straps?"
"um... kind of... it doesn't have sleeves."
"Are you gonna wear like a bolero-jacket to the church?"
"Isn't that a bit gay?"
"How about a tiara? Those are really pretty!"
"Okay, now that is gay."

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not all against being a princess, but I have actually had my Disney-moment. When I was a kid, I was one of the bunnies in snow white. So today, even if surrounded by the bunnies in snow white, I wouldn't die alone in the woods in a tiara. If anyone else wants to wear one: no skin off my back. But when it comes to my own limited experiences about weddings, I'd like to give all of you brides-to-be a bit of advice seeing as we've made it almost half the way through:

1. Thinking about not telling anyone? You better have a game-plan because women sniff themselves to marriage like vampires to blood.

2. Get ready to dream. Once we've all established that you and some random guy who happens to be at the church are going to spend Your Day As A Princess, people are gonna tell you what you should wear. No matter if you know what kind of dress you want or don't, you get ready to hear a lot of evaluations about what fits you and what doesn't. And when people tell you you would look absolutely ravishing in pink, the answer "Ah yes, but you see I haven't had my lobotomy yet" is not the appropriate one. Just smile and nod and laugh about it the next time you see any people who actually know you.

3. The bridesmaid and best men (we have 2) are not hired help. They are friends who you want to share a special time with in a special way, but they did not sign up for the deal just so you can skimp on the cleaning costs.

4. The decorations. Another topic you must be ready to discuss. Whether or not you intend to spend the next months folding those frequently mentioned silk-paper flowers or not, you are going to have to explain why you are havin/not having decorations. If you choose not to have decorations and tell people so, get ready to avoid taking their old stuff from their own weddings. Apparently those flowers are too precious to throw away. And if you are like me and  have a small set of horns on your forehead and decide to tell people you're contemplating having a helicopter dump a ton of lace on the building, know this: people are going to believe it. And want to discuss what kind of lace. And when you say hand-woven by blind belgian nuns, they are going to want some phone numbers in case they need it themselves.

5. Have a back-up because there's nothing people won't ask. They will ask about the budget, the decorations, the flowers, the food etc. Be sure you have a neutral, preferably scary party to refer them to. Our wedding planner, budget control, food organizer, dress wallet and such is my parents. That has ended all discussion because even if people bug you to near death, they are hesitant to call your parents and ask them the same things.

6. Practice your poker-face. People will come to you with the most... I don't even know what kind of ideas. Wouldn't it be cool if you could have white doves fly the rings to the altar? And did you know you can totally rent rose petals so people can throw them in front of you when you walk down the isle? And did you know there is this GREAT place where they rent golden limousines?

Just suck it in.

And then there was a dress.

Yes. It's done. We tried... or rather, I tried 4 and eventually still took the first one. It's really beautiful, has an edge to it, and requires a lot of veil to cover up so that the catholics won't pop a vein.

But now, y'all can breathe again, he has a suit, I have a dress and so we're not coming naked. And knowing me you know it ain't a puffy-pink-ribbon-roses-dress.

But knowing me you might wanna start worrying about how it just might have a bunch of skulls and spiders on it. And I'm not saying it isn't black.

But that's all I'm telling about the dress, so you'll just have to wait and see. Have a really pleasant, carefree 6 months.

xoxo

Yesterday I called the priest to know what paperwork we need to get done.

"Okay so the birth-certificate is needed now, and the paper about no obstacles in the way of the marriage a couple of months before?"

"Yes, it's valid for 4 months, so there's no point in applying for it now. But the marriage-course has already started, you've missed 2 sessions already!"

"The marriage-what, now?"

"The marriage-course. It would be especially important for the groom since he is lutheran"

I had no idea we had to complete a course to learn how to stand in front of a crowd and say "I do". And because I've always thought that marriage doesn't really change the relationship that much (apparently, kids on the other hand...) it had never occurred to me that there might be a course in all this. But Fr. Lewandowski is polish (the HC-catholics) and I didn't want to blurt out something blasphemous, so guess where we're headed next tuesday?

Related to marriage-issues, I have grown tired of the "You don't have a dress yet?! But you must at least have some sketches!"-questions, and have created a handy answer: Don't worry, I promise we won't come naked. And when this grows old, I am going to force Joni draw some sketches of the ugliest, most pink, feathered, frilly, puffy dress he can imagine and start dragging them along. Another thing I didn't know by the way, was that people actually have sketches of what they wish their dress would look a little something like. But then again, I am a bad bride:

"So you have a dress yet? What's it gonna be like?"

"No, but I think we'll start looking for one sometime soon. My mom is really excited about that part, I think."

"Well it's a good thing someone is..."

I did something very unlike me today. Yes, I caved, I bought a bridal magazine. Yes, already.

Those of you close to me know I have given you permission to drag me behind the sauna and shoot me in the head the very moment I start sounding anything like Bridezilla, so this might come a bit unexpected to you. But you see, I was on my way to the hairdresser, and I had an extra hour of time. So I went to the magazinestand and somehow ended up with Let's get married!-magazine. Well, because it was the "the groom-issue", they featured an article about women who won't let the groom participate in organizing the wedding.

My inner wedding-hater went Yay!, because as you know, I get a rash because of people who treat their wedding like the one day they get to play princess. I don't know why this is a matter that irritates me so much, but I also don't understand the wedding being about me, myself and I rather than the two of us. So I was leafing forward fast to find the article, and when I finally found it and read it, my liver started to make a rapid climb up my throat and head for my brain with the purpose of strangling it to death.

They had interviewed women who had been bridezillas at their own wedding, which is understandable. BUT(!) they had come to the conclusion that it is all natural for a woman to want to orchestrate the whole day, and the guy to get to, possibly, max organize the booze.

a direct quote: "Sulhasella on vaikutusmahdollisuuksia siinä vaiheessa, kun suuret linjat on päätetty: voi sanoa onko vedenvihreä hyvä väri vai ei, ja onko lohi vai katkarapu kivempi alkuruoka. Se, ottaako morsian mielipidettä lopullisissa päätöksissä huomioon on toinen asia. Vieraslistassa sulhasella lienee eniten sanavaltaa."

and the not so direct translation: "The groom can influence the whole ordeal when all the grand lines have been drawn. He can express himself in whether aquamarine is a good color or not, and if salmon would be a nicer hors d'ouvre than shrimp. If the bride considers his opinion during the final decisions is a whole other thing. The groom probably gets to participate most in the making of the guest-list."

and, my very favourite part of the article: "Sulhasen kuuluu avata suunsa koko spektaakkelin aikana kolmessa kohtaa. Ensimmäinen on tahdon. Toinen on se kohta, kun häntä nöyryytetään morsiamenryöstön yhteydessä. Kolmanneksi hän saa ehkä vielä pitää puheen, mutta vain kertoakseen, miten mahtava onni häntä onkaan kohdannut näin ihanan morsiamen löytäessään."

And once again, in english: "the groom is supposed to speak in three places during the whole spectacle. The first time is I do. The second time is when he gets humiliated durin the robbing of the bride (it's a tradition, at least in our part of the world). The third time is maybe if he gives a speech, but even then only to express his great joy and enormous luck in finding such a beautiful bride".

I was Furious. I have come to learn that there has been a certain amount of americanization in the organization of Finnish weddings, and I just can't come to terms with the fact that people expect me to even want to decide everything about the wedding. Let alone my reluctance to play princess or fold silkpaper flowers for the reception, even though we don't have an exact date yet, just a ballpark estimation. But the people who wrote this article are supposed to be experts. If Let's get married! indeed is the biggest wedding magazine in this country, as it claims to be, what kind of brainfart do the editors have to suffer from to let this kind of article to be printed?!

It's okay to forget about the groom during the planning? It's completely natural to force through your way, no matter what your significant other want's, just because you've (obviously) been planning your wedding since you were five? and is it just the way it's supposed to be when the groom is just a bystander in his own wedding (yes, it is actually his wedding too)? Because you know, the groom is just like the cake, something of a necessary tradition that you just have to have around on your BIG DAY!

I seriously break out in hives. Please, don't just bother shooting me, but torture me, make me fold roses out of silkpaper and pick out wedding songs one by one the second I start to act like any part of it is all about me.

By now I've made my way to the hairdresser, and I just have to mention her because she was great. She did a velox, vilis, immunda, which here means she was fast, it was cheap and my hair was dirty. And the end result: flawless.