6 posts tagged “thousandlakez”

Yeah.

Since all of you must have also spent your last few weeks watching hockey, you probably know that Finland played Russia for a place in the finals yesterday.

And they kindly handed our asses to us. So. Team Finland, I'd like to adress you all with the following statement:

Skate, you fucking losers!

What the hell happened?! Do you guys know that the whole idea of being in that country that has a flag that looks almost like cannabis sativa, is to motherf skate! And score goals!

Yes, that little net-thing there with the red metal bars holding up the net is something you wanna hit. Not to break free from all the guys from the other tema holding you, making a sprint for the goal, finally using those goddamn skates, getting closer, almost passing the goalie.... only to pass the damn puck to someone equally useless who also seems to think that this is an obstacle we all need to pass in order to turn around and start all over in our own corner.

What the f***?!

Into the goal, not right next to it, no smack in the middle of the belly of the goalie, into the goddamn goal you jerks!

And since you useless pieces of scrap metal and jock straps lost against russia you get to lose against sweden. Again!

Every last single time we meet sweden, the country of maypoles and discustingly happy and oddly sexually comfortable beings, we, a nation born to fight at every given chance, give up! This was of course anticipated when we "beat" Norway 3-something. You know it should be like 30-something, right? You almost lost to the Bahamas of the nordic region you pussies!

What's the point in watching a bunch of unemplyed toothless guys skating around in canada taking it up the tailpipe once again?

Pull it together, you're embarrassing us all.

That's all I had to say, thank you for gathering here for this official statement, and I would like to, with these closing words, wish Thousandlakez a big ol' bunch of luck in the bronze fight tomorrow. Break a leg.

A swedish one.

So, the last few days we've been getting some small, gay swedish amounts of snow, which is already melting away.  But I thought I'd still let you in on a little secret: How to stay in shape using The Finnish Style!

Ok, first of all you need to dress properly. This winter has been pretty much of a joke, but let's all entertain the thought that it would be cold, like it's supposed to. So: undies, socks, long johns, under-shirt, 1-2 pullovers, warm pants (not jeans), wool socks, thick-soled warm shoes, feather jacket, scarf, mittens and a warm cap and you're good to go! Let us now begin our moving around.

All you need to do for the first phase is walk around. Since the snow that fell during last night hasn't been packed to the ground, all it does right now is stop you from seeing the ice beneath. Wobbling around, trying desperately not to fall is the best core-workout you'll ever get! When you feel like you've turned pro at it, go put on some high heels.

By now you've discovered the beauty of dressing weather-appropriately: you're sweating like a pig. Thus getting the benefits of a Sauna while still working out. What a time-saver!

Skiing, skating and such are so obvious forms of movement that we won't go into them that much here, although I will teach you one thing. In the winter, say february-march when it's been -20-30 degrees C for a few months, the ice on almost any lake is hard enough to skate on. If you feel like you've always wanted to try Ice-swimming, which is a great way to avoid those nasty winter colds, here's what you do: a) you could join a team and go ice-swimming with them, with or without the sauna.

If you feel like you'd wanna try but aren't sure you have the guts to do it, well then option b) is for you!

b) go skating on the frozen lakes a little earlier, say, now for instance. You'll be swimming before you have the time to hesitate.

Once you've adapted to your sauna-suit and had your core-training, the next step is to go jogging. The finns are crazy winter-joggers. Sami does it, and I shiver at the very thought of even having to go get the mail.

The next step is biking. Especially if you are or would want to be a student, this is for you. Public transport is way too expensive and you know you've woken up too late to have the time to walk. Since most people who do winter-biking have instantly turned pro at it, you might feel a little self-conscious doing it. Just remember, even bikes need winter-wheels. But just like cars, even bikes slide. Which brings us to the next lesson: flying. By now you've noticed why you have to put on all that fluffy soft clothing. Still, remember: landing on your face is generally frowned upon since it shows you clearly have not mastered your core-training as far "if you have to fall, land softly" goes.

Come spring, with these few simple steps, you'll be in bikini-shape by April!

Which, by the way, is a frickin' cold month.

Okay, I know, we just found out we aren't the most expensive country in the world, but:

115 Euros / Month for The Kirkkonummi Bus Ticket!?
Suck me sideways! I know you get to ride the bus in all the, I don't know, 5 blocks? that constitute as Kirkkonummi, but 115e every damn month to ride the bus.

I might be a bit bitter and cold about this thing, but what does this kind of thing cost in the six (6) countries that are more expensive than Thousandlakez? A reasonable million?

What? They run on gold nowadays?

Lots of snow. Or not lots of, just snow. The newslady claimed we got 20+cm of the white stuff, but I think she's lying. I still don't think it's the kind that sticks (because we haven't had a white christmas in a few years) but it really lights up the environment. It's been coming down for the past 3 days, but it really just barely covers the ground. I was gonna take a picture and show you all the lake our water originates from (yes, we are that rural up here), because it's pretty much frozen. Not frozen solid yet, but growing a little cover of ice. Which is kinda hilarious because we've only had temperatures of -2- (-6). It must not be that deep.
Alas,  had no camera, so I couldn't. Oh poo.

Enough of the nature moment this time, I have to share something really fantastic with y'all. Jasmine tea. The ever-so-lovely Laura brought me some from China, and it's like having liquid memories. They served it with every meal in China, it smells like perfume and also tastes like one. However, it's very addictive. So getting my filthy paws on a baggy was like a tiny little christmas party in a cup. I strongly recommend it to everyone. I have yet to find some that tastes even remotely the same up here in Thousandlakez, but the mission is far from over.

And finally. Because I can hear my jaw popping in and out of place when I chew, I have chosen not to. Don't judge me, it feels extremely disgusting and always ends with tired, hurting jaws and a headache that probably (don't know, never had one) make migraine (correct spelling?) look like the slick city-cousin. While mine would be the ugly one from the country. The one with overalls and only 2 rotting teeth, the one that talks like Britney. This has so far resulted in much less pain and me being a happier bunny, yay! And, of course, hitting an all-time adult low of 58kg. And The Future Husband almost resorting to domestic violence since he is not far from shoving sticks of butter down my throat. I've made an effort this weekend, and it went pretty well: Mama even got herself some Ben&Jerry. Now that it stays below zero even during daytime, it doesn't matter that we don't have a freezer, we just shove it outside and behold: it preserves!

I've decided to try not to write too much about the Jokela Massacre, because that seems to be a topic I could discuss endlessly. I honestly don't know why, with everything that's going on in the world, this particular incident enrages me as much as it does. There are still a few things I'd like to clear up.

First of all, The Times , shame on you. I've read your articles. Having the Times refer to Finland as a violent and aggressive nation in general, right after something like the Jokela Massacre happen for the first time is like being brutally killed, only to have the murderer return a week later to dance on the grave (I stole that, I know, but it applies).

Lots of newspapers, not only the Times, have been full of useful information about Finland, more exactly the fact that we have the third highest per capita gun ownership after the United States and Yemen. Wanna know why?

We hunt.

Up here in Thousandlakez, what we have probably about the same amount of that we have lakes, is woods. You know what lives in the woods? Food.

Finns have a population of about 5 million people, which makes it about 17,1 ppl / squarekm (not 120 like you said, Times) if I recall correctly. That means there's a lot of room for the trees to grow. We actually have to hunt in order to keep the deer from multiplying into gazillions and taking over the world. I'm also sure that If you'd take a look at some studies I don't think anybody has bothered to make, we'd have the highest per capita ownership of fishing poles too. Because there's actual food in the lakes too! Bambi and Nemo better not come over here if they don't want to be filéd, seasoned and roasted. So there, Times, are you satisfied? And let's face it, a nation with Dick Cheney (I think, might be I get my vice prezes all wrong) shooting a guy that's not in front of him, but right next to him, in the face,shouldn't throw rocks in their own glass house.

you are not completely wrong though, we actually have violence over here too. As Professor Arstila (can't remember his first name) from the University of Helsinki said it, we are a violent nation, but not in this way. We usualy stab each other. It's part of the finnish culture to go find some early morning food after the bars close at 4 am, and a lot of people end up in line to the closest Nakkikioski, a little stand that sells what we love most at five in the morning: bbq-sausage and french fries. Preferably with a lot of mayo. Now, line up any nationality of people, insanely drunk, waiting for something they're craving badly at 5 am, and see if someone might accidentally lose his temper. This is also the last place for those who are alone for the evening to meet somebody.

Finally, to end on a somewhat less whiny note, I'd like to take today to thank some people for their random acts of kindness.
 
To the girl in the changing room at H&M:
Thanks for giving me the last Roberto Cavalli dress for H&M you didn't want, instead of giving it to the other woman who already had her lap full of simiar articles by the same designer. I didn't realize they would all be sold in a matter of minutes, which kinda explains why I was there as late as an hour after they opened. It was actually just my size, it fit and it was, funny enough, just the panther-dress I had come there to look at in the first place. I bought it.

To Mom & Dad:
Thanks for letting me borrow Moms car while she's out travelling And for not making me pay for the gas. Saving a few tens of euros really means much to a student.

To Sami:
Thanks for coming to see me at work, even if ever so hastily, because we won't be seeing each other in a week.

Thanks to everyone who smiled at me today, for whatever reason.

So, we went to pick up our guys, me and the wife of the other dude that was in ecuador.

J: "I'm so nervous. I washed my teeth twice today"
L: "Hah, I did it 4 times. And I've washed my armpits twice too"
J: "I got you beat. 3 times."
L: "You running to the bathroom too?"
J: "Yeah, 5 times today"
L: "4 here. And I'm sweating like a pig right now."
J: "Me too"

So there we were, feminine as ever, craning our necks every time the gates from customs opened. And finally, there they were. Suntanned, with a little bit of stubble and totally underdressed for Finland. But he's home, he's home. It's been going a little bit bumpy, but I'm so happy he's back. It takes a little adjustment, because he has exactly 4 days time to get on top of everything that has been happening here during the last 2 months, meet his family, organize his finances, take care of the engagement ring (it was too big, remember?), the car.....
And all the while everything I have to adjust to is the fact that he doesn't have the time to hug me 24/7. He is adjusting to his problems a lot better than I am to mine. Still, I don't care, he's home, he's pretty and he's all mine!

So, today I thought I'd tell you boys and girls a little bit about Thousandlakez: the country we call home.

This country of ours is the definition of suckiness this time of year. It's not too cold, but it rains. A lot. And in the Land of The Midnight Sun this is the time when it starts to get dark. Really dark.

Right now it starts to get darker at about 5 pm and the sun rises at about 8, but at its worst, in the winter, the sun starts to set at about half past 3, and doesn't get up again until about 8.30 the next morning.

This, in turn explains the next little fact. The Finns are extremely good at committing suicides. We kick off the season at october-november, and peak at christmas. Although Finns do eat copious amounts of anti-depressants, the darkness takes the best of some people.

In the winter it can get as cold as -60 degrees celsius. Where I'm from, Turku, and where we live now, the average temperature during the coldest months is between -20 and -30. Plus wind. Greece sound pretty good right about now, huh?

Up here in Thousandlakez, we don't get scared of the cold that easily.That is why we go ice swimming . The Finnish Championships are organized in february, the coldest month, outside. I myself participated for the first time in the medley last year, and we came in third. Our team was called The Frozen Rocks.  3 of us were male, so you figure out why that was the team's name...

And if ice swimming isn't enough, there's also a delusional group that takes 15-30 minute jogs in only shorts, t-shirts and gloves. They start when it gets to about -15 degrees, and these lunatics can be found as far north as Lapland, where they jog at even -50something. Good for the circulation I hear.

We are health-freaks. The government has extremely well-written laws about foods that can be called healthy and foods that can't. Probably every finnish citizen between the ages of 5-89 knows his/her cholesterol and knows what it should be and how to keep it down. This is also why we can't, according to law, smoke inside bars anymore. So now the bars just smell like sweat and vomit, and people stand around outside in the middle of the winter (in -30) in their shortest skirts, smoking.

The weather dictates pretty much everything over here. This is why Finnish women aren't the most feminine group of girls out there. Obviously, everything here is very, very expensive. especially mink furs, eventhough we grow the fuckers in our own back yard. Stiletto heels aren't all that practical to walk with in 10 feet of snow and a few meters of ice under it. So, we're more of a practical kind.

All this darkness and cold makes us really excited about the summer. We arrange a bunch of festivals, and clothes start flying off in about mid-march. Because we get excited, I've learned (in some reader's digest-type magazine, can't remember which), that finnish girls are the easiest girls in the world. We just get crazed by the summer and the alcohol.

The alcohol, the alcohol.... Since everything is so very, very expensive, we as a nation have found alternative ways to fund the things closest to our heart: booze and nicotine. Over here, we have a bunch of ferries that go back and forth between Finland and Sweden. The "main reason" to this is trafficking people and good but the real reason is tax-free booze. We go on these cruises to get bent, laid, and shop a LOT of booze. We usually don't even set foot in Sweden and the Swedes rarely step down on our land, other than just to pass through. It's all for the booze. The best idea is from Tallink, who makes "shopping-cruises" to Estonia. One of their popular cruises is a cruise where you have to take your car with you, and when the ship hits Tallinn, you have to drive your car out, turn it around and drive back in. This only takes about 15 minutes for all the passengers aboard to do (it's even stated on the infopaper of the cruise) but it ensures that you get to not only buy booze at estonian prizes (reeeeeally cheap), but you get to do it tax-free! That's the next best thing to completely free booze.

Since this is growing to be a really long post, I'm gonna have to divide it up into segments. More on Thousandlakez some other time.